Cullens and Paintball
by Miss Whoniverse
Summary: An epic war of the sexes within the Cullen household results in shame, depression, laughter, evilness, plot twists, and all round FUNNYNESS! Definitely my favourite fic so far that I have written. Please REVIEW! Rated T


**Okay, I saw an ad on TV today for Paintball and Laser Skirmish, and I was busy having an epiphany to notice much detail – THE CULLENS WITH PAINTBALL!! XD**

**So I hope you enjoy!**

**By the way, if my knowledge of guns scares anyone, don't worry. Well... you can if you want. A thirteen year old insane girl who can operate a gun fully? Cause for worry, I'd say. :D**

**Bella POV**

"We're going to be having a WAR!" screamed Alice, slamming several extremely menacing guns in front of me. I stared at them in horror; they looked very deadly and I was very killable.

"Alice..." I started slowly. "That will really hurt."

"RUBBISH!" she screamed in ecstasy, and I flinched back from her psychotic aura. "I GOT YOU ARMOUR! You have a Kevlar vest and a helmet! They're bulletproof, so you'll be JUST DANDY"

I was seriously doubting her mental health by this point, so I decided to go with the flow – I didn't want her to go even more insane. That could be fatal!

"Ooo... kay..." I said slowly. "Um... I've never done this sort of thing before. How do-"

"It's easy!" said Edward happily, materialising next to me. I would never get used to that and I would never get OVER it. "We usually use real guns, but as you are breakable, I would kill Alice if she even suggested it."

He smiled calmly and I relaxed instantly. I knew enough about Edward's control freak, overprotective side to deduce that paintball couldn't be all that dangerous if he would let me even watch it.

"Okay, so tag team? Pairs? Battle of the-" started Emmett enthusiastically.

"BATTLE OF THE SEXES!" screamed Alice in pure pseudo joy. I stared, and then blanched automatically at the thought of Edward not being by my side, then blushed at the thought of being the slowest person and slowing them down, then blanched again at the thought of Rosalie's inevitable irritation at my speed.

"Argh, BELLA! QUIT IT WITH THE RETARDED ROLLERCOASTER RIDE OF EMOTIONS!" screamed Jasper. I thought furtively to myself that he would make a good emo, but kept my thoughts to myself. At least I was _able _to! HAH! Score one for Bel- oh. He can't hear me. No point winning if he doesn't know he's lost.

I sat down with a 'hmph' and pouted. Edward visibly stiffened while he saw that. I smiled furtively and pouted more. He muttered something about 'still as dangerous as ever' and stalked out of the room.

My good mood was back and I bounced up. Then I fell, as usual, and Edward stalked purposefully back into the room, catching me millimetres from the ground, righted me, and stalked away for a third time. I stared after him for a moment before turning back to Alice. My excitement was mounting despite myself and I couldn't wait to get started.

"Okay, Bella; put on the bulletproof vest and helmet and then we can all put on these matching team jumpsuits!" squealed Alice in excitement. Matching team jumpsuits? This is even worse than usual. I wasn't sure whether or not I should be apprehensive by now so I settled for wary.

Jasper let out a girly shriek, giving up on trying to escape my emotions, and fled the room. Carlisle soon followed with Emmett, of to plot with his team no doubt.

Rosalie, Esme and Alice were already in their outfits and I was struggling to lift the vest over my head. It weighed a _ton; _I would never be able to walk in it!

The vampires sighed in exasperation, and all bent to help me. Rosalie expertly fastened my helmet with a flourish, making me wonder nervously whether or not she was used to this kind of thing... I supposed yes – sibling rivalry and all. Especially intensified as it was by the whole not being able to be destroyed thing; the limits for practical jokes skyrocketed when you were playing with vampires.

I was broken out of my reverie by Alice handing each of us an intimidating looking gun, loaded with multiple paint balls and extra clips attached. She showed us how to reload, and explained the gun to us.

"Aim through here," she said, mostly to me, indicating a small circular knob with clear glass and a crosshair through it. "If the aim gets broken off while you're doing evasive manoeuvring, just aim down the shaft of the barrel." Evasive manoeuvring? I couldn't walk _straight, _let alone _manoeuvre_!

"Now," she continued, oblivious to my disbelief. "These are Kalashnikov models, crass AK to be specific. They'll fire one round of thirty paintballs before you have to reload. You only get three clips, so use them wisely! And lastly, I have here some flare guns. These are Desert Eagle replicas that are extremely powerful and can only be fired straight upwards. Bella especially, but all of us because it'll still hurt us, need to never lock your elbow when firing a flare because the backlash is enough to shatter your arm. Don't fire these at Bella because it'll kill her, and don't fire them at any vamps because they'll catch fire," she ended matter-of-factly.

We were all staring at her, mortified. How calmly she spoke of our demise! She handed us each a pale blue flare, unloaded so it wouldn't fire by accident in our pockets, and handed an extra one (red) for us to give to our partners of the other team.

We made our way outside slowly to explain the rules to the men, who were all looking impatient. Even Carlisle had the expression of a little kid who got the exact right colour of the toy he wanted for Christmas.

"Okay guys!" said Alice calmly. "Rules! Since Bella is human, we have to go at human pace, ALL of us!" this elicited a groan from all the boys, and she shushed them, glaring. "Hey, we want Bella to be able to participate, right Emmett? It won't work if she can't even see us! Anyway, second rule. If you get hit ten times in total, or three times by Bella separately, you're out and have to send a flare up before you make your way back home. Bella's paint is green so we'll know if you are lying about who hit you! Three greens and you're out! Ten whites and you're out! You can't get anyone else once you're out. The boundaries are our property and the next block of woods. Bella, it's marked out, you'll be fine. Um, I think that's it... oh! No cheating!" Duh, Alice. "So those are the official rules!"

"RULES ARE MADE TO BE BROK-" Emmett started to scream.

"No, Emmett, these rules are NOT to be broken, otherwise Bella will get hurt!" snapped Rosalie in a scolding tone. "And if Bella gets hurt by you, or any of you really, you will suffer not only my wrath –and you know exactly what that means, Emmett – but Edward's too. Not to mention the devilish Esme..." she grinned to Esme at that and she smiled back... a haunting, vampiric smile. I knew what the brain behind that face was like... _shudder..._

"Okay, okay," grumbled Emmett. "Can we start now?"

"Okay, find a base in the woods, make a battle plan, and hop to it!" screamed Alice, dashing madly away at what she imagined to be a fast human pace. She looked more like a cheetah on crack. Rosalie rolled her eyes and picked me up gently. She could tell I would trip over and hurt myself if I tried to run.

She sprinted with absolute grace towards Alice who was bouncing madly around with her gun waving dangerously around.

We reached her and she violently yanked us down towards her mouth (a long way) and began murmuring her plans. Esme's evil smile grew more and more pronounced.

**Carlisle POV**

"Okay, guys, this is going to be hard as _hell_!" said Jasper in absolute terror. He was being smart – there was no limit to the evil tendencies of my wife, not to mention my horrific daughters. Especially Bella... she is one tricky little demon. Hello Edward!

"Come on, we're stronger and faster than them even as humans!" crowed Emmett. "They don't stand a chance!" He was being foolishly overconfident – not to mention idiotic. Has he ever even _met _his wife?! "We're guys, therefore naturally more athletic and capable.

Edward laughed at my remark.

"Seriously, guys," said Edward. "They have many advantages." He ticked them off on his pianist fingers. "They have Bella, who could unfortunately outsmart any of us easily. She plays by our weaknesses and knows us so well. A very cunning human!" Everyone nodded in agreement. "Also, they have Alice who is the spawn of the devil himself and will stop at nothing to destroy us. She's quite capable of it too. Also, Esme is the most diabolical mother I have _ever _encountered. And lastly, the infamous Rosalie who has many influential powers over us – the master of cars, the master of Emmett, the master of annoying us to HELL!"

"Yeah, guys, a warning I think you should heed," interrupted Emmett looking stricken and uncharacteristically serious. "If you get Rosalie's hair, she will kill you. If you get Bella's hair, Alice will kill you. If you get Alice's hair, she will do it back to you with million-tupled force." He shuddered visibly.

He had a point.

"Come on, guys, don't get so down! Sure, they're a bunch of evil peas in a pod of DOOM, but we have some advantages too! We see them as the amazing women who love us for some strange, unfathomable reason, and it's stupid to think that we won't give in to any guilt trips they will undoubtedly use. We just have to get them with something before they come in for the kill!" ranted Jasper. His military side would be very handy, I realised.

"Yes! Good point, Carlisle! Guys, Jasper's military background will be very useful for us! What other advantages do we have that we can use? He's right; if one of them is crying or threatening not to come near us or talk to us, or doing some other evil, twisted scheme, we will be completely in their power. But what can we do first?" Edward said, having listened to my mind. It was sometimes annoying, but hey, I didn't have to contribute much to the conversation.

"Esme is completely at the power of my puppy dog eyes," I said instantly. The others stared at me and I got defensive. "_What? _So you're telling me none of you use puppy eyes to get- um... to get them to do _stuff_ for you?" I stared at them incredulously. There was no _way _that they didn't use some kind of underhanded plot in bed. Especially Emmett. Edward snorted and I rolled my eyes.

"Fine. Don't want to admit it? You're all grounded." MWAHAHAHA! Take that!

"NO!!" screamed Emmett quickly. "I DO! I USE THE FAMOUS-" Edward hastily covered his mouth.

"Nobody wanted to hear that. Trust me," he said with great conviction. I trusted him. Emmett had never had much tact.

"Well... I could make them too terrified to shoot... or maybe really tired so they can't move..." mused Jasper.

"Perfect!" said Edward. "This is exactly the kind of thing we need!"

We continued plotting.

**Alice POV**

I had been falling in and out of trances and visions for all of twenty minutes as the guys made different decisions on what to use on us before we took them down easily. Each one got funnier and funnier and I burst out laughing again.

Rose and Esme looked a little bored of me continuously laughing but good young Bella found it as hysterical as me.

"What insane delusion is it this time?" she giggled. I turned to Esme incredulously.

"Does Carlisle really have _puppy dog eyes _that he uses on you?!" she squealed in excitement and surprise. Esme burst out laughing and Rosalie was already rolling around chortling. Not a hair out of place, however. Typical.

"Yes!" laughed Esme. "He thinks they work, and they're cute... but so pathetic, you know? Usually I go along with whatever he's trying to get me to do because I don't want to hurt his feelings."

"Um... Esme? That's the point of puppy dog eyes. He makes you guilty by pretending you hurt his feelings and then you don't want to hurt them more so you go along with it, thinking you've won when really he got exactly what he wanted," said Bella, surprisingly accurately. She continued.

"Edward does this sort of... dazzly thing. It's not _my _fault that I'm a human and he has all those advantages! When I'm a vampire I'm going to kick his ass!" she looked ready to rant in more detail, but a pouting Esme reminded us that we needed to focus.

"Okay," prompted Rosalie. "Let's evaluate. They have Carlisle and Edward who are relatively smart... on occasion. Jasper with his background will be very useful for them against us re strategies. The three of them make up the empty space where Emmett's brain is supposed to be. Together, I still don't think they're a match for us."

I stared. "Was that... a _compliment_... hidden under a thinly veiled insult?!" I asked incredulously. I was rewarded with a slap and a stinging jaw for my remark, and Bella rolled her eyes at the silly vampires. I still find it funny that Bella has such power over all of us when she is so weak. The irony!

"I can get Carly... I mean, Carlisle... easily," said Esme confidently.

"I got Jasper in the bag, but it works better if we're all there, we'll save him for last," I said cryptically. I had _such _an awesome idea for that!

"Edward is allll mine!" cackled Bella. I knew without having to 'see' that she would get him without any drama. As Edward says, she is a bad liar, but she is an incredible little actress when it comes down to it. She fakes emotions and knows exactly how to twist all of our individual knobs and get her way. I speculated slightly about how she might have an annoying power like changing people's minds when she turns.

"Emmett will be a cinch," said Rosalie calmly. "No worries whatsoever!"

"Well... I would try to draw this plotting out for longer because it's been fun, but we must all go and nail our guys now... shut up, Rosalie, you _know _what I meant!" I muttered at the end. Was _everything _sexual to her and Emmett? Really, they are the perfect match.

"Split, guys!" said Esme enthusiastically and without a second glance, we all sauntered off into different areas of the woods carelessly, ready to put our plans into action.

**Bella POV**

I had a scheming and evil plan in my mind and couldn't _wait _to put it into action!

As I sauntered forwards confidently... with absolutely no idea where I was... I heard a blood-chilling sound behind me.

"Hello, Bella," murmured a cold, evil voice. My insane mind manically ran through the extensive list of people who would LOVE to kill me, as I whirled around. Stepping daintily but deadly-ly out of the bushes was none other than... Emmett.

Deciding to put on a bit of a show, he grinned evilly at me and I cringed automatically. A plan was forming in my mind but it depended on how much Emmett wanted to gloat at me.

"Oh yes. The defenceless human, cornered at last. There's nobody out here to save you, Bella. Nowhere to hide." He bared his teeth at me and I felt a stab of fear despite my awesome plan. I spoke then, not having to pretend the quaver in my voice.

"Wha... What do you want from me?" I squeaked. In almost-fake terror.

He laughed ominously, throwing a hand out for enthusiasm. To make it more menacing, he deliberately swung his gun around and I flinched, cringing back. All part of the plan, of course,

"Why, Bella, why wouldn't I take this opportunity to get you? All my pranks and plots, foiled by that Edward, and now the perfect opportunity arises to KILL you with no Edward around to save you?"

Kill me? He had to be joking. He must mean killing me in the game... although he had a point. Who was Emmett not to grab a perfect chance by the balls?

"You'll never get away with this!" I hissed, pretending to be really scared. I was _completely _pretending, of course... I wasn't like; half scared... or totally scared. Nothing like that...

He moved closer, hands on hips. I vaguely noted him start talking again, and I pulled my arms defensively in front of my body, acting as though I had forgotten my gun and I was scared of him.

Timing had to be perfect... his arms had to be away from his body. I watched him closely for a few moments before the perfect chance threw itself at me.

He was nearing the end of his speech and loading his gun to get me. I wondered vaguely why he was going for me and not Rosalie, as it made sense for couples to target each other, but I concentrated on setting up my shot. I grinned despite myself. Then, it happened. My carefully constructed poker face went flying headfirst out the window to splat on the pavement miles below as I dropped my pretences. **A/N: Like my addition to 'went out the window'? I love it! Bahaha!**

I laughed evilly as he froze, and raised my gun to him.

"So long, Emmett," I said cheerfully, shooting him squarely in the chest three times, then crowing in exultation and adrenaline rush.

He stood there, stock still and frozen in mid-cock of his gun to KILL ME, as he tried to understand what I had just done. His arms fell slowly and he looked like a kid who had just realised that his dog had _not _just been sent out to a farm to live a happy life where he could run around and chase rabbits, but had really been put down.

His eyes widened, then narrowed furiously, and he stamped his foot angrily.

"Damn you, Bella! I never got to fire my gun! Damn, _damn, DAMN!_" I just laughed at him and he pouted in anger.

"You still get to fire the flare gun to show everyone that you're out, and got beaten by a GIRL... and a HUMAN GIRL AT THAT! BAHAHA!!" I yelled happily at having thwarted the master of evil.

He furiously fired a flare into the sky, then burst into tears and took off in the direction of what I imagine was the house.

**Jasper POV**

We were gathered around, trying to decide who would go first, and wondering where Emmett had run off to as soon as we knew it was time to begin.

Suddenly, out of the bushes came a sobbing Emmett, splattered on his chest with the remains of three paintballs.

Oh. My. GOD. The paintballs were GREEN! _BELLA KILLED EMMETT! HOLY CRAP!_

**Carlisle POV**

I stared in absolute wonder at my son who was stumbling out of the bushes looking distraught... with green paint all over his chest.

I tell you, if I had a heart, it would have spluttered at that. My daughter was a trillion times as cunning and evil as I had ever imagined! WE ARE ALL DOOOOOMED!

Bella. Bella the human, the human _girl, _to make it even more embarrassing (if that was possible) for Emmett, had beaten him! Emmett the muscly IMMORTAL VAMPIRE WITH SUPER SPEED, SUPER STRENGTH, SUPER SENSES AND ALL ROUND SUPERNESS, HAD BEEN DEFEATED BY NOT ONLY A HUMAN, BUT A HUMAN _GIRL _WHO WAS SLOW, WEAK, HAD DULL SENSES AND WAS FAR FROM CONFIDENT! _WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?!_

**Edward POV**

Both Carlisle and Jasper were ranting in their heads about how the human girl defeated big Emmett. I couldn't help but roll around with laughter as he glared at us.

"YOUR WIFE IS THE _DEVIL REINCARNATED_!" screamed Emmett furiously at me as he fled into the house in a fury.

**Back to Jasper POV**

I couldn't get over the fact that it was Bella who defeated my massive unit of a brother, but I decided to stop ranting because it was probably annoying Edward.

"Okay, guys, it's time to put our evil scheme into action... just remember to keep, like, deciding to go look at a leaf, or deciding to go hunting, or deciding to sit down and cry, all to confuse Alice's sight!"

"But, Jasper..." said Carlisle. "Since we've decided to decide to do other things, Alice will have seen our decision." He paused, making sure he phrased it right. "Yeah."

Jasper stopped. "... DAMN."

Suddenly, a piercing scream filled our hearing and we all automatically snapped our heads towards the forest where it was coming from. It was Bella.

Emmett fell out of a window behind us. He must have been pacing or something and been startled when Bella screamed. I vaguely noted his shrieks as he plummeted but I was busy watching Edward.

**Edward POV**

Oh NO! My Bella is hurt! I'm coming for you, my angel! Never fear!

I took off at vampire speed, ditching the rules but not caring. If the others weren't careful enough to keep her from getting hurt, then they deserved to have these rules broken!

Besides, the rules were to help Bella. I broke them to save her. Moot point!

I heard Carlisle bellowing at me, but I heard nothing but the echo of my love's scream in my head and I pushed myself faster. I would be there in seconds.

"..._no Edward! It not what... part ... plot to get... is faking!"_

I drowned out the voice in my ears and concentrated on blocking their most likely distracting thoughts.

Then I broke through the clearing, skidding to an abrupt halt, staring at my beloved.

**Bella POV**

I stood stock-still, pouting furiously. As he regarded me cautiously, having ever so predictably come sprinting as soon as I screamed, I threw my gun to the ground in irritation and plopped down next to it. My scream had worried him, clearly. It _was _a pretty good one if I do say so myself – if I hadn't known better I would have thought that I was being murdered.

Anyway, I buried my head in my knees and smacked my hands on the ground. I acted as though I had no idea my gun was beside me.

"They just ditched me!" I yelled in fake fury. "Rosalie was mad that I got Emmett before she could, so she ran off and left me here, and I don't know where I am and Alice is busy plotting and bouncing and destroying stuff and... and... IT'S SO UNFAIR! If I was a vampire too, we could play properly and stuff!" I burst into tears and thrashed in agitation. He wouldn't think I was lying because I had actually put feeling into my performance. I really did think that it would be much better if I was a vamp! We could do it all properly.

"Oh, love, I'm sorry, I'll kill them all for you later, how's that?" he cooed, coming closer. He seriously had no idea that I was having him on! I repressed the urge to giggle, and sniffed instead. After a pause, I spoke.

"Okay then," I said in a tiny voice. He put his gun in his belt carefully and started to bend down slowly so not to scare me.

I rolled on my side, nabbed my gun and blasted about seven paintballs wildly in his general direction. When I looked up, he was completely covered in lime coloured paint and looked like Gumby.

I burst into manic laughter **AN: laughter is the 4000****th**** word in this fic! XD **as I stared at my husband. He looked like a total fool as his expression darkened slowly to match his already black eyes and he dropped his gun, hands clenched into fists. I shied away, my laughter cutting off abruptly as I screamed out.

"ALICE! HE'S GONE CRAZY!! SAVE MEEE!" I yelled as loud as I could. Apparently she had been expecting that, because she burst out of the bushes beside me, flying towards him. Rosalie and Esme leaped out, choking on their sobs of laughter as they wrenched me to my feet. We all leaned on each other as Alice pounded him into the ground, took his flare gun, fired it into the air, jumped off him, pushed him away and said, "Off you go, then."

She joined us and we all leaned on each other as we shrieked and howled with laughter as my bad tempered husband stalked off in a huffy fume.

"Two down, one to go," I choked out manically and this brought on fresh peals of laughter.

"All you, Bells. Unbelievable! The little human girl defeating two vampires singlehandedly – the massive one and the one nobody has fooled in decades – without getting a speck of paint on her!" yelled Alice exuberantly. **AN: She went on to rant just like Carlisle had in his thoughts a few pages back. I won't write it all again!**

We came up with a plan for Jasper as Esme went off separately to deal with Carlisle

**Jasper POV**

We went through a similar, intensified scenario of last time, when Edward stalked out of the bushes looking similar to how Emmett had. One minute he was sprinting off to 'save' his love, next minute he's huffing back with his 'love's' paint all over him! Hilarious!! Emmett was feeling better now that someone else had faced Bella's wrath.

"Bet you'll rethink ever calling _her _a 'defenceless, little human,' again!" I taunted Edward and he stalked in the house to join Emmett in depression.

I walked nervously away from Carlisle to look for my wife. I had not a hope in Hell of defeating her, but what kind of a man would I be if I ran away from a pixie with paintballs?

I stalked cautiously into the forest and continued carefully until I came across a clearing which smelled strongly of Bella, Edward, anger and humour. I still tasted the humour in the air, intensified by my gift, and I notices splashes of green paint around.

I laughed out loud. This must have been the scene of Edward's demise. I walked further in to inspect the site, when it hit me.

It was overwhelming. I felt utterly, utterly sad. Depression swirled around me and I moaned as I fell to the ground. I rocked back and forth as the blackness of my world shifted around me, covering me.

Was there no point to life? Why bother going on? Nobody accepts me... nobody loves me. I'm a stupid, terrible person and I don't deserve to live. What kind of stupid idiot would ever care for me?

The darkness flared in my vision and I shut my eyes to escape it. Why couldn't I just leave? Wasn't there a way to just... end it all?

I opened my eyes slowly, looking down at the cylinder in my hand. I could do it now... just leave this accursed Earth and rot in Hell where I belonged.

I raised the gun to point at my head. I fired once... twice... three times. Each one snapped my head back slightly, but nothing else was happening. I felt liquid trickling thickly down my face. It must be my blood... it was cold. I was cold. I was dark and cold and should die.

Sobbing, I moved it to my chest and fired directly into my heart for the fourth time, fifth time, sixth... I went up to nine, and then gave up, crying. I flung the gun away and sobbed.

There was no escape for me. I was doomed to _live_, live in my own despair and agony.

Then the self-hatred increased in fury, battering me from all sides, even the inside. I groaned and reached for the gun again. There was one place that had to work; it just HAD to!

I picked it up and put it in my mouth, facing down my throat. _One... two... three... FIRE!_

I fired, then leaped up and gagged ferociously. It didn't freaking kill me either! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS THING?!

I suddenly felt more random emotions... triumph and victory. The depression lifted and I span around to see Alice, Rosalie and the devil Bella rolling around laughing hysterically.

I identified the taste as paint. Human food was gross, and this stuff was gross even to humans! Imagine how that tasted to a vampire, and then with their super sense of taste! UGH!

I gagged more, staring angrily at my wife and her partners in evil.

"You're... _gone!_" choked Alice hysterically. "Inside the mouth counts! HAHAHA!"

I glared angrily. "How many times have I told you NOT TO MAKE ME SUICIDAL!?" I screamed in fury.

They just laughed harder. I furiously shot a flare into the air and took off towards the house.

When I got there, Edward and Emmett saw that I was covered in white paint and sullenly realised that Bella had not gotten everyone.

"Who shot you, man?" asked Emmett irritably. I rolled my eyes in frustration.

"Myself," I snapped in irritation. Edward burst out laughing and recounted the whole sad, sorry tale to Emmett. Including my memory of the taste of paint. Emmett felt better instantly, seeming to assume that killing yourself was worse than having a human kill you.

The sad part? He's totally right.

Just then Carlisle came barging in, covered in paint with a wild look in his eyes. Those two gleefully yelled out what happened to me, but thankfully Carlisle was stressed enough.

"ESME IS THE DEVIL!" he yelled. "SHE IS SOME SORT OF OTHERWORLDLY WITCH OR SOMETHING!" He continued to rage about how Esme had seduced him, and then easily gotten her way.

I listened in pity. His story was the least embarrassing of them all. At least he was shot by a vampire, especially not a vampire who was HIM!

**Bella POV**

We danced into the house with identical looks of glee and victory on our faces. I was laughing manically along with Alice, and we laughed harder at the looks on the guys' faces.

They all looked severely embarrassed and upset. We, a group of girls, disadvantaged with a HUMAN, had beaten the crap out of them with plenty of room to spare! None of us had any paint on them at all except Alice who had popped and mixed a green and white paintball into creamy paste and given herself war-stripes. They looked very dashing.

"You guys need showers," I said smugly, and they all made faces at me. Even Carlisle! Childish much?

"Now, since you all got your asses handed to you so easily," I continued, "Next time I will grace the guys' team with my presence. But we're doing this next once I'm a vamp. That should even the scaled a little!" I finished smugly.

By now, all the guys, again even Carlisle, were looking gleeful and smug.

"You guys are gonna get OWNED next time!" crowed Emmett to the others, who were looking betrayed. I winked to Alice.

"Don't worry," I said. "It'll be the equivalent of me vs. you guys. They're not exactly _useful_!"

**And so ends this oneshot. If you guys are VERY lucky, you will get a sequel. The Cullens and Paintball 2: The Return of Vampire Bella!**

**Anyway, I'd love to get over 100 reviews for this before I do the sequel. It's always been a goal of mine to get 100 reviews for one single chapter/oneshot. XD**

**Also, so you guys know, I won't be doing much writing on any of my stories until Breaking Dawn had been released, dissected thoroughly, and read at least four times over by me.**

**Imagine the joy of having new plot points to write about! POST BREAKING DAWN FTW!**


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